Blue Eggs to the Rescue

Waning Crescent Moon

Well, this month has been a real doozy, hasn't it?

Yesterday my county joined all the other San Francisco Bay/Monterey Bay counties to impose official "shelter in place" measures for all residents, but especially for "risk demographic" boomers like myself. I haven't been so upset about my birth date since I drew number twenty-seven in the draft lottery.

The rules say that I am not supposed to leave home except to buy groceries or get my exercise and when I do leave home, I must stay six feet away from other humans. The exercise part is cool - I almost always walk on my own in the countryside anyway as a sort of rolling meditation. Here's picture of where I went today. Ain't it grand?

So the restrictions are not really a hardship for me except for when it's time to stand in the checkout line at the grocery store. I try my best not to look, but I see cooties with boogers crawling all over the people in front of and behind me. And the haggard, boogery teenager with the blue latex gloves ringing me up? Oh God, she is one big boogery cootie - a boogery cootie with bangs (she was cute once, like four days ago, before the plague)- and those gloves, those clammy blue latex gloves she's been wearing all day, handling money and filthy cloth bags from wheezing, degenerate customers with cooties with boogers - guhhh!. Money! Is there anything dirtier than paper money? She touches every single one of my beautiful, fragrant, orange tangelos, rolling them around with her icky stubby digits, asking me what they're called (she once was bright, too), wondering what the price code for tangelos is, calling over the manager to ask him, the manager with no clammy blue latex gloves at all, he touches them, too, bare-fingered, disgusting, and says "4940."

Should I boil them? Can you even eat boiled tangelos? Should I scrub them with 10% Clorox? Soak them in Dawn detergent and then boil them? Throw them out into the parking lot, scream, and drink the Clorox straight?

The shopping thing bothers me. A lot. How will we ever recover from this madness?

I think I will soon  apply to the County Senior Citizen Authority for Meals on Wheels delivery. Free lunch every day but Sunday: a bean burrito, a plastic cup of applesauce, an oatmeal bar, and a roll of Tums. The driver will honk and leave a paper sack on my doorstep. I'll put on some blue latex gloves, grimace, and get my chow on. Wash it all down with a clear, cool glass of filtered water that I got from the refill machine at the grocery store, the refill machine that was crawling with cooties with boogers. This is not a perfect solution, I'll grant you that, but it will reduce the number and hideousness of cooties with boogers in my meal. It will flatten the curve somewhat. A patriotic step in the right direction.

Then I'll curl up with a good book to take my mind off it all.

Hahaha, I'm just kidding, folks, it's not that bad, just joking, just having a little fun, you know, blowing off some steam...

Last night, a really kind farmer lady brought me a dozen eggs because she heard the store was out and she knew how much I like eggs. What a sweetie. They are fresh, she told me, and what's more, they are blue. Not the insides,she assured me, the insides aren't blue, just the shells. I just ate two of them along with a ham, cheese, lettuce, and red pepper whole wheat tortilla wrap. Yummy! Fantastic! Blue eggs to the rescue!

Peace, Love, and Purification,
Jim