Saturday, June 9, 2018

Panty Liner Highway

Waning Crescent Moon

Look, I am all for the liberation and celebration of women. I sincerely wish all women would rise up and demand the equality and respect they deserve. We would all be better for it. I don't mean just the college-educated professionals. I mean all women - even, and maybe especially, those women who lack direction or purpose in their lives. I mean even the lost, manic women who think it is cool to toss their panty liners out of the car window onto the  side of the highway at seventy miles per.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Jim, nobody does that." Well, yes they do.

Here is how I know. Yesterday I was sick and tired of doing the same old stupid little rehab exercises and scaled-back walks and pathetically easy 15-minute spins on my bicycle trainer. My two broken ribs still hurt, but it is time to do my monthly Adopt-a-Highway cleanup and I simply cannot NOT do it. So out the door and on the road I went to Highway 101 north to tidy up my "Palomino" section. I promised myself that I would pace myself. I would only work one hour per day, I would not fill the bags completely, and I would move very slowly. I also promised myself not to get pissed off at the dregs of litterbug humanity like I frequently do when I pick up after them.

I failed miserably. First, it was the three 5-gallon buckets of motor oil someone left right next to the Old Mission campanile. Then it was the fifty or so little unopened plastic bags with perfectly good OSHA-approved safety ear plugs in them that were scattered all over creation. But what  took the most time and really got me riled up were all the dadgum panty liners. In a matter of two hours of walking along the noisy, windy, busy highway, I nabbed with my grabbers at least 25 used, abandoned, skanky-ho, queen-size panty liners, yelling at the top of my lungs into the freeway noise every single time. I thought my head was going to explode.

What the hell, ladies? Is this what the women's liberation movement has come to in 2018? Do some of you actually make a conscious decision that shoot, I am woman, I am strong, I can tear this stinky panty liner outta my undies and chuck it into the weeds any damn day of the week and you can't stop me? Huh?

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that it was not necessarily a woman or women who did these disgusting deeds. Could have been a man. Of sorts. Maybe. Perhaps a man or men with uh, issues. But really, a much simpler explanation, and I hate to bring Occam and his Razor into this, but a truly much simpler explanation would be that this stunt or series of stunts were pulled by one or more females. Logic, like it or not, would favor multiple, skanky-ho, litterbug females.

We're going to have to put a stop to this crude behavior, people. That much yelling is not good for  either my ribs or my blood pressure. So from now on, dear readerettes, if you are one of those liner-flipping scuzz-hags with nary a @#^* to give, please resist your demonic roadside urge. Get yourself a biggo box of gallon size Great Value zipper seal plastic bags at the Walmart. Keep it handy where you can reach it somewhere in the Suburban, and use those puppies when you need them. And please, please, please dispose of said bags properly when you reach your destination. You're grossing me out, seriously. Stop it.

Peace, Love, and Blecchh,