Sunday, March 29, 2015

Litter Blog

Litter Blog


Man, I hate litter bugs. I hate litter bugs more than I hate anything except rapists and war mongers. 

I take that back. I hate litter bugs just as much as I hate war mongers.

This weekend was San Juan Bautista's annual Spring Arts and Crafts Show. Main Street (Third Street, to be precise) was lined with booths and EZ-Ups stocked with every kind of doo-dad and foo-dad imaginable. Real torquoise. Fake torquoise. Bird houses (birds not included). Sunglasses. Sunhats. Mexican lizard lawn ornaments (lawns not included). Rooster t-shirts. Wolf t-shirts. Beer brand t-shirts. Beer brand mirrors. Beer brand mugs. Sugar and syrup coated popcorn. Giant angry sausages. Frog rides. Tri-tip sandwiches. Lemon lime slushees. Ear rings. Nose rings. Toe rings. Smoky Bear outdoor thermometers. Pooh Bear indoor thermometers. Art deco flip flops. Regular flip flops. Flip flops with built-in toe rings. Soda pop. Kettle corn. Corn dogs. Baby mobiles. Senior citizen mobiles. Stoner mobiles. Endless iterations of bracelet combinations in plastic, copper, aluminum, and brass. Bottled water. Bottled water. Bottled water.

You can see where I'm going with this. The Arts and Crafts Show doo-dads and foo-dads, only a small percentage of which is not out and out junk, all have the potential to be partially consumed or carelessly stored or heaved out a car window and/or dropped on the street on the way home. And of course there are the lovely young brain damaged mothers who dispose of their little darlings' dirty disposable diapers right on the dadgum curb in our most revered City of History. And don't get me started on the drunken overfed cretins who stop on the highway and poop out in the open two feet from the shoulder. I hate drunken pooping overfed cretins.

Who picks all that stuff up? Your local hard-charging, concerned Adopt-a-Highway (AAH)  volunteer, that's who. If I want to ride my bike around and not see poop and stuff, I'd better do something about keeping the road shoulders clean.

There is a little teeny tiny light shining behind the diaper pile. I always manage to collect a few things of value in the process of sweeping up after cretins and teenage mothers. Like tools that fall off of trucks, for example - some still usable clothing (after a good cootie cleaning, of course) - lots of recyclable bottles and cans - an occasional broom, ladder, or rug from an RV - buckets of all kinds - crates and containers of all shapes and sizes - lumber - and this morning I found a wet, but perfectly spendable one-dollar bill.
During yesterday's Mission Farm Campground Spring Clean Swap Meet, I made thirty-one dollars selling mostly things that I picked up off the side of the road. (No, I did not try to hawk any disposable diapers or poo-piles...the diapers get shoveled into landfill-bound plastic bags and the poop gets shovel-flung into the bushes...sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ground Squirrel...take THAT, war-mongering Mr. and Mrs. Bush).
So, despite the dadburn litter bugs, I am sitting pretty. From the perspective of my luxurious redneck deck here in the redwoodsy-woods-woodsy, it is a fine, clean Spring indeed.
In my spare time - hahaha, all my time is spare time - I am working (pardon my language) on a prototype for a Roadside Cretin Cam. It will be similar to a motion sensor wildlife camera, but equipped with a poo-smell detector and a Taser. Drunken pooping overfed cretins in this region seem to prefer gravel-strewn  pullouts next to the highway. They stop, they get out, they drop trou, and they poop in the gravel just off the shoulder. I plan to mount several Roadside Cretin Cams at pullouts surrounding San Juan Bautista over the next few months. Very soon, drunken pooping overfed cretins of San Benito County will begin getting the surprise of their stupid little lives. Zapped right on the ass mid-poop, we'll see if they keep that sh#t up on my highway.
No Peace and Love for Litter Bugs,


Thursday, March 26, 2015

Sweet Sixteen

Sweet Sixteen


My NCAA men's tournament bracket is in shambles, as usual. I don't know why I even pretend to know anything about basketball any more, but old habits die hard.

Technically, I suppose it is possible that three of the four teams I picked to be in the Final Four COULD actually be there (Kentucky, Wisconsion, and Gonzaga), but the way the early rounds went, it's unlikely.

I was SURE Villanova would make it. I was DUMB to pick against Izzo and Michigan State. I WAS PRAYING that San Diego State would topple Duke. And I CAN'T BELIEVE Kansas whiffed against Wichita State.

Notre Dame? Lucky to be there - what else is new.

Of the remaining possible games, I would really like to see Wisconsin play Arizona, Wichita State play Kentucky, Louisville play Michigan State, and Gonzaga play Duke. Having said that, all those teams exept Kentucky will probably lose today or tomorrow just because I jinxed them!

This weekend here at the Mission Farm Campground we're having the first ever, or at least maybe in a long time, MFC Spring Clean Swap Meet. I would like to invite you, but this junkfest is for the very elite - members only. If I score big on something dusty, worn, and useful, I will report forthwith.

As for the previously featured First and Probably Only Pizza Pie Pi Festival, a rollicking, frolicking good time was had by all. The Nerdiest T-shirt Award winner was the lovely and talented Actual Dr. J from the salad bowl of America, Salinas CA. Honorable mention honors went to Captain Chem and What-the-Keck? Throngs of hangers on crowded into the Pizza Factory to take pictures and query participants as to the real secret meaning of Pi. To my knowledge, no one cracked under the pressure and nothing untoward was divulged.

Go Spartans. Defy all logic and win out.

Peace, Love, and Roundball,