Sunday, April 5, 2015

Happy Wester

Happy Wester


Here on the Left Coast, petitions are being circulated for an initiative to be placed on the 2016 ballot that would change the name of the annual Spring holiday from Easter to Wester. Let me break it down for you.

In theory, everything on the Christian side would stay the same. Resurrection fans would still build a hollow balsa wood fake cross with wheels on the back and pick a local longhaired carpenter to haul it around the church parking lot. Overweight insurance agents (Philistines) would still pretend to flog him (Him) as he (He) agonized his (His) way through the Stations of the Cross. All that glory/pain stuff is good theater and scares the children straight, so it stays.

The only major churchfolk adjustment is that the use of Holy Water has to be reduced by 25% because of the drought. Oh, and the Wester Sunday church dress code has been relaxed. No more K-Mart blue suits and yellow dresses for the kids. Looney Tunes t-shirts, baggie shorts, and flip flops are fine. This IS California after all.

The Pagan side is where the big changes kick in, but they are kind of cool so nobody should mind. All Wester eggs must be laid by free range hens, dyed with natural organic berry juice, and collected by heretofore unemployed medical marijuana patients. Wester egg baskets will be hand woven by barefoot children using native drought-resistant plant material under the guidance of Chumash and Ohlone grandmothers. Baskets will be lined with native grasses and blessed by employees of Santa Cruz Spirit Guides, Inc.

Brace yourselves. There will be no more chocolate bunnies or peeps. Except for the above-referenced eggs, only plant-based, gluten free treats and candies will be allowed in the baskets. Buck up, kids, you will thank us later when your nervous disorders, allergies, and learning disabilities magically disappear. You might even get into Stanford.

On Wester Monday, all baskets, grasses, and leftover cornstalk Equinox dolls will be composted in the community garden to be used as mulch.

Last, but certainly not least, is the retirement of the Easter Bunny as the official symbol and deliverer of Springtime overnight treats. The Bunny is gone, mistreated and abused for far too long. Taking the Bunny's place are a cadre of Wester rescue puppies who have undergone rigorous training in the Sierra Nevada foothills and will compete for the noble title of West Coast Wester Dog in 2020. Stay tuned.

This is progress, Cali style.

Peace, Love, and Happy Wester,

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