Sunday, March 29, 2015

Litter Blog

Litter Blog


Man, I hate litter bugs. I hate litter bugs more than I hate anything except rapists and war mongers. 

I take that back. I hate litter bugs just as much as I hate war mongers.

This weekend was San Juan Bautista's annual Spring Arts and Crafts Show. Main Street (Third Street, to be precise) was lined with booths and EZ-Ups stocked with every kind of doo-dad and foo-dad imaginable. Real torquoise. Fake torquoise. Bird houses (birds not included). Sunglasses. Sunhats. Mexican lizard lawn ornaments (lawns not included). Rooster t-shirts. Wolf t-shirts. Beer brand t-shirts. Beer brand mirrors. Beer brand mugs. Sugar and syrup coated popcorn. Giant angry sausages. Frog rides. Tri-tip sandwiches. Lemon lime slushees. Ear rings. Nose rings. Toe rings. Smoky Bear outdoor thermometers. Pooh Bear indoor thermometers. Art deco flip flops. Regular flip flops. Flip flops with built-in toe rings. Soda pop. Kettle corn. Corn dogs. Baby mobiles. Senior citizen mobiles. Stoner mobiles. Endless iterations of bracelet combinations in plastic, copper, aluminum, and brass. Bottled water. Bottled water. Bottled water.

You can see where I'm going with this. The Arts and Crafts Show doo-dads and foo-dads, only a small percentage of which is not out and out junk, all have the potential to be partially consumed or carelessly stored or heaved out a car window and/or dropped on the street on the way home. And of course there are the lovely young brain damaged mothers who dispose of their little darlings' dirty disposable diapers right on the dadgum curb in our most revered City of History. And don't get me started on the drunken overfed cretins who stop on the highway and poop out in the open two feet from the shoulder. I hate drunken pooping overfed cretins.

Who picks all that stuff up? Your local hard-charging, concerned Adopt-a-Highway (AAH)  volunteer, that's who. If I want to ride my bike around and not see poop and stuff, I'd better do something about keeping the road shoulders clean.

There is a little teeny tiny light shining behind the diaper pile. I always manage to collect a few things of value in the process of sweeping up after cretins and teenage mothers. Like tools that fall off of trucks, for example - some still usable clothing (after a good cootie cleaning, of course) - lots of recyclable bottles and cans - an occasional broom, ladder, or rug from an RV - buckets of all kinds - crates and containers of all shapes and sizes - lumber - and this morning I found a wet, but perfectly spendable one-dollar bill.
During yesterday's Mission Farm Campground Spring Clean Swap Meet, I made thirty-one dollars selling mostly things that I picked up off the side of the road. (No, I did not try to hawk any disposable diapers or poo-piles...the diapers get shoveled into landfill-bound plastic bags and the poop gets shovel-flung into the bushes...sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ground Squirrel...take THAT, war-mongering Mr. and Mrs. Bush).
So, despite the dadburn litter bugs, I am sitting pretty. From the perspective of my luxurious redneck deck here in the redwoodsy-woods-woodsy, it is a fine, clean Spring indeed.
In my spare time - hahaha, all my time is spare time - I am working (pardon my language) on a prototype for a Roadside Cretin Cam. It will be similar to a motion sensor wildlife camera, but equipped with a poo-smell detector and a Taser. Drunken pooping overfed cretins in this region seem to prefer gravel-strewn  pullouts next to the highway. They stop, they get out, they drop trou, and they poop in the gravel just off the shoulder. I plan to mount several Roadside Cretin Cams at pullouts surrounding San Juan Bautista over the next few months. Very soon, drunken pooping overfed cretins of San Benito County will begin getting the surprise of their stupid little lives. Zapped right on the ass mid-poop, we'll see if they keep that sh#t up on my highway.
No Peace and Love for Litter Bugs,


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